Q: What's the difference between my phone and Stephen Hawking?
A: When my phone dies, I actually give a fuck.
At the grammy awards Beyonce said to Justin Bieber, "What song would u sing of mine justin?"
Justin said, "If I were a boy."
Q: What do Rodney King and Nicole Simpson have in common?
A: They just didn't listen
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Chuck Norris does Rachel Marron's work.
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There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building.
The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!"
The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet.
The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in.
Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says:
" I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet.
Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in."
The first man says" Ok, sure."
The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below.
He is dead.
Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."
Insurance never covers you against damage sustained by Chuck Norris, as it's classed as an Act of God!
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Bill Gates once asked Chuck Norris to be his personal body guard for an hour, he couldn't afford it...
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If Clint Eastwood told Chuck Norris to get off his lawn...
Chuck would get the hell off his lawn!
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Lenin dies and goes to Saint Peter to tell him whether to go to hell or heaven.
There was a big problem among the saints because the half of them wanted him to hell and the other half in Paradise.
Then they asked God, who of course tells them to go to Hell.
After a week of being in hell, devil visited St. Peter and complained: "This Lenin will destroy me. One week in Hell only and he has already started their courses and demonstrations."
St. Peter much forced agrees to accept Lenin in Paradise.
From that day and then there was a disturbing silence.
After two months St. Peter goes to heaven and he sees what?
Everyone sitting around and Lenin standing in the middle and talking.
Among the distinguished listeners the Saint recognises Jesus Christ.
He calls him and says: "God will punish you"
And he answers: "Who? God? But God does not exist."
Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme play tug a war with live annacondas.
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