What do you call an elf who tells silly jokes?
A real Christmas Card!
Yo mama is so fat that it's still printing her picture she took during her last Christmas.
Q: What did the elf say was the first step in using a Christmas computer?
A: "First, YULE LOGon"!
This woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh.
The tatoo artist say thats an unusual request. "Why do you want two tattoos there?"
So she says "Because my husband needs to eat between christmas and new years."
I just checked my schedule and I can have you pregnant by Christmas.
What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells!
Chuck Norris doesn't celebrate Xmas, Xmas celebrates Chuck Norris.
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The only Christmas present Chuck Norris ever gives is allowing you to live.
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James and Neil were fortunate enough to have a season ticket to watch Manchester United.
They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat next (A16) to them and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket, especially if all three could have seats together.
One half-time Neil went to the ticket office and asked if they could buy the season ticket for A16.
The official said that unfortunately the ticket had been sold. Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty.
Then on Boxing day, much to James and Neil's amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season.
Neil could not resist asking the newcomer, 'Where have you been all season'.
'Don't ask' he said, 'the wife bought the season ticket back last summer, and kept it for a surprise Christmas present.'
Santa leaves out cookies for Chuck Norris.
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