The best death jokes

Good news, I've been given a goldfish for my birthday... The bad news is that I don't get the bowl until my next birthday!
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has 49.54 % from 40 votes. More jokes about: birthday, black humor, death, fish, time
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
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has 49.51 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: celebrity, cop, death, work
Did you hear about the skunk who sat on a fan? He got cut off without a scent.
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has 49.51 % from 14 votes. More jokes about: animal, death
Little Johnny was a chemist. Little Johnny is no more. What he thought was H2O was H2SO4.
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has 49.42 % from 71 votes. More jokes about: chemistry, death, little Johnny, stupid
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, "Please, Mary, put down that damn gun..."
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has 49.36 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: church, death, husband, marriage
Why are lawyers buried 12 feet deep when they die instead of the normal six feet? Because deep down they are really good people.
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has 49.30 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: death, lawyer
I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man. Love, To forgive him and; Patience, For his moods. Because if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death.
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has 49.30 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: death, love, women
Did you hear about the black guy that died on the highway? He stuck his head out the window and his lips beat him to death.
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has 49.26 % from 62 votes. More jokes about: black humor, black people, death
They say sex is a killer... Do you want to die happy?
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has 49.25 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: communication, death, flirt, sex
Two rabbis prepare to wash the cadaver of a recently deceased before burying him, according to a Jewish tradition. The deceased possessed a tremendous sexual organ. Aaron, you see what I am seeing? Yes Jacob, I see it... it is as mine. That long? No, that dead.
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has 49.10 % from 77 votes. More jokes about: death, jewish, sex
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