Just heard someone bragging about his one night stand.
Whatever mate, I've got two night stands.
Either side of my bed.
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Whats the second thing thats hard in the morning? waking up!
Sometimes I wonder if I'm pregnant and then I realize I would have to be like 19 months pregnant.
Q: What did the seal say when found nuts in the sea?
A: "Look I found deep nuts."
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If tinder has taught me one thing it's that there is an extraordinary amount of single girls named Shelby that love to ride horses
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
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Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
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Boy - "dear Santa, for xmas, I would like a baby brother."
Santa - "Send me your mother."
I was drinking my coffee in a coffeehouse when a beautiful girl came near my table and asked me:
"Are you alone?"
So I responded: "It's a long time that I'm alone."
"So do you mind me to take this chair?" said the girl.
I fainted...
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There were these two guys working late in a morgue, when one guy said, “Hey man there is a woman in there with a shrimp in her vagina!”
The other asked, “What is a shrimp doing a dead woman's vagina? Let me go see.”
Both of them went in the room with the woman, and they both curiosly looked.
Finally, the second man said, “You idiot, this ain't no shrimp it's a clitoris.”
And the other man replied, “Well, it tasted like shrimp to me.”