Just heard someone bragging about his one night stand. Whatever mate, I've got two night stands. Either side of my bed.
Hey guys. Bet your female friend that she can't use both of her elbows to touch her belly button. Thank me later.
If tinder has taught me one thing it's that there is an extraordinary amount of single girls named Shelby that love to ride horses
5 stages of being single: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, texting your ex something random then going like "sorry wrong message".
Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."
Sometimes I wonder if I'm pregnant and then I realize I would have to be like 19 months pregnant.
My girlfriend told me that will change me. I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend!
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel stuck to the front of his pants. The bartender asks, "Hey, doesn't that hurt?" The pirate growls, "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts."
Two doctors are having s*x, he says to her, "You must be a surgeon, you washed your hands before and after." She replies, "Well you must be an anesthetist, because I didn't feel a f*cking thing!"
If you're feeling down, I can feel you up.