Just heard someone bragging about his one night stand.
Whatever mate, I've got two night stands.
Either side of my bed.
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There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs.
The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me."
An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter.
A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs.
The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time there are two girls with the same sign.
A day later, he comes out 50 lbs. lighter.
A year later, he returns and needs to lose 100 lbs.
He gets sent upstairs again, where he finds a huge gorilla with a sign that reads "If I catch you, I screw you."
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
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A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man.
"I want a cheese sandwich!"
A mouse and an elephant are walking through the forest.
The elephant falls in a hole so the mouse gets his Porsche throws a rope down into the hole and pulls the elephant out.
So they continue walking and the mouse falls into a hole.
The elephant throws his dick into the hole and the mouse climbs out.
Moral of the story: if you have a big enough dick you don't need a Porsche.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
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Q: What do you call a blonde doing a handstand?
A: A brunette with bad breath.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207...
Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.
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