I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.
My girlfriend always calls me a pedophile, and all I can think is "Wow that is a big word for a nine year old."
What's long, hard, and shoots sticky white stuff? A penis. What were you thinking you clean minded bastard.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Make choking noises...
There was a boy watching tv with his parents. A sex scene comes on. The boy asks what the people are doing. The mom said "they were just making a cake." The boy goes"oh yea, I saw u and daddy making a cake yesterday and I Licked up all the icing."
Q: Why did the lumber truck stop? A: To let the lumber jack off.
Whats the similarity between getting a bl*wjob from an 80 year old and walking the tightrope ? In both cases you really dont want to look down !
Sure, I love to cook, but that doesn't mean I'm against eating out.
Q: Why do dogs lick their balls? A: Because they can. Q: So why do they stick their noses in women's crotches? A: Same reason.
A guy picks up a pr*stitute and proceeds to spend a couple of hours with her at a seedy motel. A few days later, he finds that he has caught crabs. He chases down the prostitute and says, "hey bitch, you gave me crabs". She replies, "what'd you expect for ten bucks? Lobster?"