The best dirty jokes

I got in trouble for telling a joke in 5th grade. Now I have to keep 250 feet away from all schools...
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has 55.11 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: black humor, communication, dirty, school
Peter approaches the gates of Heaven. "Knock knock," says Peter. Miraculously, someone answers him. "Who's there," a voice in the distance asked. "God," says Peter. "God who," asked the voice? "GOD DAMMIT open these gates! I've been a good neighbor, loved my wife and lost my virginity, twice!"
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has 55.00 % from 43 votes. More jokes about: communication, dirty, heaven, knock-knock, sex
Q: What do you call a blonde at a golf course? A: The 19th hole.
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has 54.89 % from 48 votes. More jokes about: blonde, dirty, golf
A man walks into his doctor's office and whines, "Doc, you've got to help me; I've got a strawberry stuck up my ass." The doctor pulls out his prescription pad and says, "I've got cream for that!"
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has 54.77 % from 35 votes. More jokes about: dirty, doctor, food
If the sea was weed and i was a duck i'd swim my way down and smoke my way up, but the sea ain't weed and i'm not a duck so pass me the bong and shut the fuck up
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has 54.77 % from 124 votes. More jokes about: dirty, drug, duck, weed
There are an older brother and a younger sister. The sister went to the bathroom while the brother was in the bathroom. The sister asks the brother if she could play with his dick and he says yeah. A few weeks later there was a big storm and the sister goes to the brother's room and asked the brother if she could play with Mr.Cuddles he says no. Then the sister said that she would tell on him so a little pissed of he says yes. After a while, the parents hear a scream. They rush to the brother's room and asks the sister what happened she said "Mr.Cuddles spat on me so I bit his head off."
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has 54.66 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: dirty, family, sex, time
Aaron Hernandez goes to prison as a tight end. He'll come out a wide receiver!
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has 54.59 % from 40 votes. More jokes about: dirty, prison
A guy walks in the local whorehouse, says "I want the cheapest one you got, I don't have much money." The guy behind the counter says "How bout the $1.95 cent special?" The customer says "ok", and he paid, headed to the room. When he opened the door, he found this beautiful broad spread out, just waiting for him. He rips off his clothes and starts going to town on her. Suddenly, all this white stuff starts coming out of her mouth, nose, ears. He freaked, "omg she's sick." He ran to the desk and told the guy what was happe ning, and the guy says "hey Joe! The dead one's full again!"
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has 54.59 % from 40 votes. More jokes about: black humor, customer service, dirty, disgusting, money
The matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her. “I’m ashamed to bring this up,” he said, “but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample.” The woman was shocked. “Such a thing you ask a Christian virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman.” The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, “He’s a pragmatic, man. After all, to him it’s not a big deal… just a sample.” She thought a minute. “A pragmatic man, is he? So tell him I don’t give samples. I can give him 50 or 60 references, if he wants, though.
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has 54.49 % from 45 votes. More jokes about: animal, christian, dirty, husband, women
A Russian guy comes across a bottle of vodka on the street. He picks it up and a genie comes out, "You are my master. You now have one wish." The Russian man says, "I would like to piss vodka." When the he gets home, he tells his wife to get two glasses. She asks what they'll be drinking. He tells her he can piss vodka and demonstrates for her. It was the best vodka they'd ever had. The next night the Russian guy comes home tired and tells his wife to get one glass. She asks, "Why only one glass?" "Because tonight," he says, "you should drink from the bottle."
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has 54.49 % from 45 votes. More jokes about: dirty, wife
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