The matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her. “I’m ashamed to bring this up,” he said, “but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample.” The woman was shocked. “Such a thing you ask a Christian virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman.” The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, “He’s a pragmatic, man. After all, to him it’s not a big deal… just a sample.” She thought a minute. “A pragmatic man, is he? So tell him I don’t give samples. I can give him 50 or 60 references, if he wants, though.
A boy washed with his mum in the bathroom and saw her vagina and asks: "what the hell is this". "It is called a cave" replied the mother. The next day he washed with his father and saw his dick and asks "what the heck is this". "This is called little Johnny". The next day he went to school and his teacher was mad that he came late to school so she told him to sing a song. He started to sing "when the black clouds came out of the mountain little Johnny ran into the cave."
Daughter: Dad, this guy told me the sweetest thing ever. Me: What's that hunny? Daughter: He said I had nice bumper lights, and a nice trunk. Me: Tell that niggie if he fills up your gas tank, I'll break his exhaust pipe, ya dig?
Sure, I love to cook, but that doesn't mean I'm against eating out.
If you think your life is bad, how would you like to be an egg? You get laid once in life, you only get eatten once in life, It takes 4 min to get hard, but only 2 min. to get soft, you share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all the only chick who ever sat on your face was your mother. Pass this to someone who needs a good lay, sorry I mean day.
"Hey, I have a magic dildo for sale," he says. "What? There's no such thing," she replied. "No seriously, if you don't believe me try it out in the bathroom. All you have to say is 'magic dildo my pussy.'" A bit skeptical she agrees and takes the dildo to the bathroom. A few minutes later she comes out. "Wow, that was great!" She says. She ends up buying the dildo and leaves the store. On the drive home she starts to feel a little frisky and figures why not try out the magic dildo. Well she's really enjoying herself. The car is swerving and she rolls through a red. She ends up getting pulled over by a cop. After she rolls down her window she tells him the whole story. She explains about the magic dildo and the shop. The cop says, "Magic dildo my ass."
A girl was pampering a horse with her hand while watching display of the horses, suddenly she touched the genital of the horse. The excited horse screeched, jumped and ran away very fast. The horse’s guard faced the girl and said, “Ma’am please do the same to me, so I can run, chase and retrieve my boss’s horse.”
Q: Why did the lumber truck stop? A: To let the lumber jack off.
Q: What's the difference between acne and a Roman Catholic Priest from the Vatican? A: Acne would wait until you're at least 13 before it would cum on your face!
What did the flower say to be the bee? "Buzz off you stupid ugly horny cunt."