What's the best thing about a Siamese twin baby? Threesomes.
A man working with an electric saw accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do." "But I don't have the fingers!" "Why didn't you bring the fingers?!" asks the incredulous doctor. "Doc, I couldn't pick them up."
What's gross? Farting in the bathtub. What's grosser than that? Catching the bubbles with your teeth.
Q: Why is it a bad idea for two butt cheeks to get married? A: Because they part for every little shit.
How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall red? Depends how hard you throw them.
A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down. As she bends down to reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly with the waiter right behind her. She sits abruptly back up, glares at the waiter and shouts “Stop that!” To which the waiter replies, “Sure, which way did it go?”
Do you know what would be sick? If you sat in Santa's lap and you felt him get a boner. Do you know what would be even worse? If he stood up and you were still sitting in his lap.
A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table. Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl of peanuts. "I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!" "That’s okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I’ve sucked the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway."
Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? A: Pick it up and suck it's dick.
Q: Why do men snore when they lie on their backs? A: Because when their balls fall over their a**holes, they vapor-lock.