One day a guy and a girl were making out in her parents' bedroom, and it was getting pretty steamy. All of a sudden, the guy takes out his shlong and places it in her hand. She screams and runs downstairs, through the kitchen, through the living room, the bathroom, the dining room, back upstairs, through her bedroom, her bathroom, her sister's bedroom, down the hall and back into her parents' bedroom. "Listen, pal! I have two words for you -- DROP DEAD!" "I have two words for you -- LET GO!"
Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? A: Pick it up and suck it's dick.
Friend 1: "I like my women how I like my milk." Friend 2: "What? White?" Friend 1: "No, expired."
Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house? A: The big hand touches the little one.
If I wanted some comeback, I'd wipe it off your chin!
How is parsley like pubic hair? You push it aside to eat, and sometimes it gets stuck between your teeth after meals.
Q: Why is diarrhea hereditary? A: It runs in your genes.
There was an old married couple who love each other very much. But each morning as he was waking up the husband let out a huge nasty wet fart with his wife right in the bed next to him. The wife always says "One day you're going to fart your guts out if you don't stop." Then one day the wife snapped she won't take it anymore and she got up extra early when downstairs and got the guts out of a turkey and put it in the bed behind. She went back downstairs to wait and then she heard the loud disgusting fart all the way down the stairs and then she hears nothing for a long while. Just as she's about to go upstairs and check on her husband he comes stomping down the steps and he says "Honey you were right after I get my guts out but with the grace of God and these two fingers I managed to shove them back up there again."
Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Para-olympics? A: Having two legs.
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full.