What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield? It's ass.
There were two church-going women gossiping in front of the store when a dusty old cowboy rode up. He tied up in front of the saloon, walked around behind his horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse full on its rectum. Repulsed, one of the women asked, "That's disgusting, why did you do THAT?" To which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips." Confused, the women continued, "Does that make them feel better?" "No, but it stops me from licking them!"
One day there was a big lady swimming at the beach when she noticed that she had lost her top. She thought that no one would notice if she covered herself with her arms and walked overto her towel. Then a little girl came running up to her. "If you're going to drown those puppies, at least let me have the one with the cute little pink nose."
Q: Did you hear about the redneck who was shooting craps? A: He blew a hole in the toilet.
Q: What's a good holiday tip? A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
One roomate said to another, “Man, this morning I woke up with white crud around my mouth!” The other roomate said, “Oh, that's my fault, I guess I missed!”
Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house? A: The big hand touches the little one.
Q: How can you tell if you have an overbite? A: When you're eating p**sy and it tastes like sh*t.
There was a young man from Peru Who fell asleep in a canoe He dreamt that Venus was strokin' his penis And woke with a handfull of goo
A couple walked into the supermarket. They looked confused, so a clerk walked up to them and asked them what they wanted. The couple asked for a couple of lottery tickets. He gave the tickets to them, and they paid for them. The husband looked confused again. He asked the clerk, “What the hell do I do with these damn things?” The clerk replied, “Well, you're supposed to scratch the box and see if you've won anything.” The wife looked disgusted. "Oh please," she muttered. "What?" asked the clerk. "Oh nothing," she answered, "it's just that, well, he's been scratching down there for years, and he ain't won a damn thing."