Silence is golden. Unless you have an infant. Then its probably blue.
One roomate said to another, “Man, this morning I woke up with white crud around my mouth!” The other roomate said, “Oh, that's my fault, I guess I missed!”
Q: What does an old woman have that a young woman doesn't? A: A belly button between her boobs.
Q: Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets? A: He wanted to run his fingers through his hair.
If I wanted to hear from an a**hole I would fart.
There was an old married couple who love each other very much. But each morning as he was waking up the husband let out a huge nasty wet fart with his wife right in the bed next to him. The wife always says "One day you're going to fart your guts out if you don't stop." Then one day the wife snapped she won't take it anymore and she got up extra early when downstairs and got the guts out of a turkey and put it in the bed behind. She went back downstairs to wait and then she heard the loud disgusting fart all the way down the stairs and then she hears nothing for a long while. Just as she's about to go upstairs and check on her husband he comes stomping down the steps and he says "Honey you were right after I get my guts out but with the grace of God and these two fingers I managed to shove them back up there again."
Why are a sorority girl and a tampon similar? They are both stuck up cunts.
What has 4 legs and one arm? A Doberman in a children’s playground!
Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the roof of the Enterprise? A: To boldly go where no man has gone before.
Q: How do you know when it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's house? A: The big hand touches the little one.