Hey, did you hear about the cannibal who arrived late to the dinner party? They gave him the cold shoulder!
How is a soyburger like a dildo? They're both substitutes for meat.
What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus with a yeast infection? An itchy, twitchy twat!
Q: What's the difference between boogers and broccoli? A: Kids don't eat broccoli.
I got home to see my two months pregnant wife crouched in the bathroom crying. Her red, smudged eyes looked at me as she told me she'd lost the baby. I told the silly thing not to be so upset, I could clearly see it in the toilet.
To the tune of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland": Dog tags ring, are you listening'? In the lane, snow is glistening. It's yellow, not white I've been there tonight, Marking up my winter wonderland. Smell that tree? That's my fragrance. It's a sign for wandering vagrants; "Avoid where I pee, it's my property. Marked up as my winter wonderland." In the meadow dad will build a snowman, following the classical design. Then I'll lift my leg and let it go, man, So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine! Straight from me to the fence post, flows my natural incense boast, "Stay off of my turf, this small piece of earth, I mark it as my winter wonderland."
Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? A: Pick it up and suck it's dick.
What's green and eats nuts? Syphilis.
How does herpes leave the hospital? On crotches.
Q: What does an old woman have that a young woman doesn't? A: A belly button between her boobs.