I have a green nose, three red mouths, and four purple ears. What am I? Ugly!
Silence is golden. Unless you have an infant. Then its probably blue.
What has 4 legs and one arm? A Doberman in a children’s playground!
What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus with a yeast infection? An itchy, twitchy twat!
At a restaurant, one of the customers notices that all of the waiters have two spoons in their vest pockets. A waiter explains, "We see that the most frequently dropped silverware is spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement." Then the customer notices a string hanging out of all the waiters' flies. "The string is for us to go to the bathroom," explains the waiter. "That way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims straight, and we don't need to use our hands." The customer asks, "Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?" The waiter replies, "Well, that's another reason we carry the spoons."
I got home to see my two months pregnant wife crouched in the bathroom crying. Her red, smudged eyes looked at me as she told me she'd lost the baby. I told the silly thing not to be so upset, I could clearly see it in the toilet.
Q: Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him? A: He came home shit faced.
How does herpes leave the hospital? On crotches.
Q: Why did the referee stop the leper hockey game? A: There was a face-off in the corner.
What do you call a trash bag full of mutilated laboratory monkeys? Rhesus Pieces.