Q: Why are men like diapers? A: They are always on your ass and full of sh*t, and thankfully, they're disposable.
"Mommy, Mommy! Where have all your scabs gone?" "Shut up and eat your corn flakes."
"How are your hemorrhoids?" "Swell."
What is the differance between a dead baby and a VHS tape? The VHS tape don't stink when you leave it out in the sun.
Q: What is 40 feet long and smells like urine? A: Line dancing at a nursing home.
What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? A salad shooter.
What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus with a yeast infection? An itchy, twitchy twat!
In the year 3000, animals rule the Earth; they talk and drive sportscars. An owl enters a psychologist's office. The psychologist says to the owl, "What is your problem?" The owl replies, "I always sleep at night and am awake during the day. I am an owl and we usually are awake during the night." The psychologist tells the owl to come back in two days to solve his problem, as he is very busy. The next night, a cat comes in. He says, "I always sleep during the day. Like my friends, I want to sleep during the night. Can you help?" The psychologist advises the cat to come back in one day, as he is very busy. The next day, the cat comes very, very, very early for his appointment and ends up at the same time as the owl. The cat is told to wait outside. He peeks in the owl's appointment and figures out his problem... and his address! During the next evening, when the owl usually comes in for his appointment, the cat comes in. The psychologist asks the cat why he is here instead of the owl. The cat replies, "He is here!" and poops on the floor, explaining, "I was sent to deliver him."
Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer do after dumping his boyfriend? A: He wiped.
Q: What's the difference between a cook and a gay? A: The cook stirs today's lunch, whereas the gay stirs yesterday's dinner.