Q: How do you get a zombie baby into a bowl?
A: A blender.
Q: How do you get them out?
A: Doritos.
Q: What's red, sits in front of a mirror, and gets smaller and smaller?
A: A vain idiot combing his hair with a potato peeler.
What's grosser than gross?
A bloody mary with curly, brittle hairs in it!
Another name for a vagina is a cockpit
What's red and sits in a corner?
A baby playing with a razor blade.
What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus with a yeast infection?
An itchy, twitchy twat!
Q: What does it look like when you microwave a baby?
A: I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.
In the year 3000, animals rule the Earth; they talk and drive sportscars.
An owl enters a psychologist's office.
The psychologist says to the owl, "What is your problem?"
The owl replies, "I always sleep at night and am awake during the day. I am an owl and we usually are awake during the night."
The psychologist tells the owl to come back in two days to solve his problem, as he is very busy.
The next night, a cat comes in.
He says, "I always sleep during the day. Like my friends, I want to sleep during the night. Can you help?"
The psychologist advises the cat to come back in one day, as he is very busy.
The next day, the cat comes very, very, very early for his appointment and ends up at the same time as the owl.
The cat is told to wait outside.
He peeks in the owl's appointment and figures out his problem... and his address!
During the next evening, when the owl usually comes in for his appointment, the cat comes in.
The psychologist asks the cat why he is here instead of the owl.
The cat replies, "He is here!" and poops on the floor, explaining,
"I was sent to deliver him."
Q: What does a plumber need to know about his job?
A: Sh*t runs downhill and payday is on Friday.
"Mommy, Mommy! Where have all your scabs gone?"
"Shut up and eat your corn flakes."