Two brothers, Bob and Tom, both work for a lumberyard.
One day, Bob tells Tom that he can tell what any piece of wood is just by smelling it.
Unbelieving, Tom blindfolds Bob and proceeds to test the theory.
The first piece of wood Bob smells, he instantly identifies as maple.
The second piece Bob instantly identifies as walnut.
Tom cannot believe Bob can really do this, so he takes an old piece of wood and whispers to the secretary to rub the wood between her legs. She happily runs it up in her crotch.
Tom hands the piece of wood to Bob.
Bob smells it three times.
"I am stumped. But I would have to guess that this wood is either a pussywillow or a shingle from a shithouse."
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There was this man who had a dog.
Every Sunday morning at 4:30 AM the man and the dog would go fishing.
One day, the man fell in love and got married.
After the wedding, when the man and the woman got in bed together, the man turned to the woman.
"Tomorrow is Sunday and every Sunday morning, me and my dog go fishing at 4:30 AM. We'd like you to come along."
"And what if I don't want to come along?" the woman asked impatiently.
"Well then, sweetie, we'll just have to have buttsex."
With that, the man rolled over and fell asleep, and left the woman pondering.
"God, I hate having the buttsex, but I also hate getting up so early. I'll have to think about this more."
In the morning, the woman could hear the man going downstairs to get the dog.
It was much too early for the woman to get up so she decided to wait for the inevitable buttsex.
She waited for about half an hour and fell back asleep, thinking her husband had left already.
She awoke to the man, pulling on her arm.
"Have you made your decision?" he asked
"Yes," she replied. "I do not want to go fishing."
True to his word, the man pulled down his pants.
"By the way, what took you so long to come upstairs? It usually doesn't take that long to get Sparky up."
"I know," the man said. "He didn't want to go either."
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Why does the witch not wear panties when flying?
Because she wants to get a better grip on the broom.
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Little Red Riding Hood went to her grandma's house and found her laying in bed.
Little Red Riding Hood said, "Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
Grandma: "The better to see you with, my dear."
Little Red Riding Hood: "Grandma, what big ears you have!"
Grandma: "The better to hear you with, my dear."
Little Red Riding Hood: "Grandma, what a big mouth you have!"
Grandma: "Of course I do, have you seen Grandpa's d**k?!"
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One night my mother in law came to our home.
In the middle of the night suddenly I was awakened by a horrible sound from WC.
She farted.
I was so angry that shouted and said: "Your food is under your feet and your weapons are complete get out and go to fight with ISIS!"
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A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!"
Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table.
"There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."
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Laughing is always good except when you have diarrhea.
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One day two deaf-mutes meet on the street.
They had been friends in school but had lost touch over time.
They used sign language to catch up on old times.
Through the course of conversation one of the deaf-mutes learned the other had learned to speak and was no longer mute.
This amazed the fellow that was still mute and he asked about the procedure.
His friend gave him the doctor's card and went on his way.
The deaf mute wasted no time and went straight to the doctor's office.
The doctor informed the procedure took 26 days and cost one million dollars.
The man handed the doc his insurance card and begged the doctor to start the treatment that day.
The doctor had the man strip and lay over the examination table.
The doctor went to his closet and took out a bucket of mayonnaise and a broom handle with a door knob on the end.
The doc got a running start and shoved the mayonaise covered door knob up the deaf-mute's ass.
The mute screamed,"AY!AY!AY!"
The doctor said,"very good we will work on the B's tomorrow."
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It's a really hot day and this penguin is having car trouble, so he takes it into a garage.
The penguin asks, "How long will it be?"
The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes."
So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street.
When the penguin gets there he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream.
Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the garage.
With ice cream all over his face and his stomach he says, "So, how's my car?"
The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, no, no, I was just eating ice cream."
What is the sharpest thing in the world?
A Fart.
It goes through your pants and doesn't even leave a hole.
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