One day two deaf-mutes meet on the street. They had been friends in school but had lost touch over time. They used sign language to catch up on old times. Through the course of conversation one of the deaf-mutes learned the other had learned to speak and was no longer mute. This amazed the fellow that was still mute and he asked about the procedure. His friend gave him the doctor's card and went on his way. The deaf mute wasted no time and went straight to the doctor's office. The doctor informed the procedure took 26 days and cost one million dollars. The man handed the doc his insurance card and begged the doctor to start the treatment that day. The doctor had the man strip and lay over the examination table. The doctor went to his closet and took out a bucket of mayonnaise and a broom handle with a door knob on the end. The doc got a running start and shoved the mayonaise covered door knob up the deaf-mute's ass. The mute screamed,"AY!AY!AY!" The doctor said,"very good we will work on the B's tomorrow."
Birdie, birdie in the sky Dropped some white stuff in my eye, I'm a big girl I won't cry, I'm just glad that cows don't fly.
What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common? They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.
A Guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play." The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus' owner pockets the fifty bucks. The next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus' owner. The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy, "Now if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars." The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, and has another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes up and says, "What are you pissing around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!" The octopus says, "Play it? If I can figure out how to get it's pajama's off, I'm gonna screw it!"
Why did God give women legs? So they don't leave a trail like a slug.
What is the sharpest thing in the world? A Fart. It goes through your pants and doesn't even leave a hole.
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
What's grosser than gross? Two Siamese twins connected at the tongue. What's even grosser than that? When one of them throws up.
Q: What do the Starship Enterprise & toilet paper have in common? A: They both circle Uranus searching for Klingons.
A man was shipwrecked with his dog and a sheep on a tiny island in the middle of nowhere. Everytime the man moved close to the sheep, his dog would snarl and growl at him. One day while walking the island he discovered a lovely naked lady who also had just become marooned. "Finally, some company!" he thought. While sitting on the shore and the watching the sunset with his new female friend, he slowly leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Hey, could you go walk the dog?"
Dan staggers into the shower. He notices that his d**k is bright orange. He feels normal, but he's concerned and goes to the doctor. After a thorough examination, the doctor says, "You seem to be fine and all of the tests are normal. Did you do anything out of the ordinary over the weekend?" Dan says, "No. All I did was stay home, watch porno movies and eat Cheetos."