One day two deaf-mutes meet on the street. They had been friends in school but had lost touch over time. They used sign language to catch up on old times. Through the course of conversation one of the deaf-mutes learned the other had learned to speak and was no longer mute. This amazed the fellow that was still mute and he asked about the procedure. His friend gave him the doctor's card and went on his way. The deaf mute wasted no time and went straight to the doctor's office. The doctor informed the procedure took 26 days and cost one million dollars. The man handed the doc his insurance card and begged the doctor to start the treatment that day. The doctor had the man strip and lay over the examination table. The doctor went to his closet and took out a bucket of mayonnaise and a broom handle with a door knob on the end. The doc got a running start and shoved the mayonaise covered door knob up the deaf-mute's ass. The mute screamed,"AY!AY!AY!" The doctor said,"very good we will work on the B's tomorrow."
Q: What would Princess Diana be doing if she were alive today? A: Clawing at the lid of her coffin.
What do you call an incestuous nephew? An aunt-eater.
Jeremy and Kris walk down the street and see a dog licking himself. Jeremy says, "Man, I wish I could do that!" Kris replies, "I think you'd have to pet him first."
Q: Why is it a bad idea for two butt cheeks to get married? A: Because they part for every little shit.
Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job? A: After 10 years the job still sucks.
How do you unload a truck of zombie babies? With a pitchfork.
What's grosser than gross? When you throw your underwear and it sticks to the wall. What's grosser than that? When you come back an hour later and it's moved up three feet.
What's the difference between a baby and a grandmother? Grandmothers don't die when you fuck them up the ass.
Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths? A: Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stammers and says, "Um... no... what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"