The best disgusting jokes

There was a vampire who sucked people's blood for many centuries. God was very angry at the vampire and said to him, "You're going to hell!" The vampire fell to his knees and said, "God, I beg of you, give me one more chance to be good." God agreed. Then the vampire said, "I want to be light, fluffy, and white like a cloud." "That seems easy enough," replied God. "I would also like to have wings like an angel." "OK," replied God. Since God had said yes to all his requests, the vampire decided to ask for a very greedy request. "God, if possible, could you let me suck a little blood?" "Sure," replied God, "but only once a month." And he turned the vampire into a maxi pad with wings.
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has 71.97 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: disgusting, god
The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the Pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say. He keeps asking the Pontiff questions about the church and, in particular, the nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" Grumpy asks. "No, my son, all of our nuns are at least five feet tall," smiles the Pope. "Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?" "I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?" "No reason," replies Grumpy. "But you're positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, maybe two-and-a-half feet tall?" "I'm sure, my vertically-challenged son," says the Pope, trying not show his curiosity. "Okay," moans Grumpy. So the Pope listens to the dwarves as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarves. Grumpy mutters, "He said they don't have any." And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"
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has 71.90 % from 97 votes. More jokes about: animal, church, disgusting
Little Johnny comes home one day and says, "Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut!" "What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?" "No," says Johnny. "It's salty."
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has 71.90 % from 236 votes. More jokes about: disgusting, gay, little Johnny
Laughing is always good except when you have diarrhea.
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has 71.86 % from 72 votes. More jokes about: disgusting, health
Two brothers, Bob and Tom, both work for a lumberyard. One day, Bob tells Tom that he can tell what any piece of wood is just by smelling it. Unbelieving, Tom blindfolds Bob and proceeds to test the theory. The first piece of wood Bob smells, he instantly identifies as maple. The second piece Bob instantly identifies as walnut. Tom cannot believe Bob can really do this, so he takes an old piece of wood and whispers to the secretary to rub the wood between her legs. She happily runs it up in her crotch. Tom hands the piece of wood to Bob. Bob smells it three times. "I am stumped. But I would have to guess that this wood is either a pussywillow or a shingle from a shithouse."
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has 71.76 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: disgusting, work
Why did President Clinton name his dog Buddy instead of Spot? Because he didn't want people running around the White House saying, "come Spot, come Spot!"
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has 71.72 % from 46 votes. More jokes about: animal, disgusting, dog, political
You might be a redneck if you think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
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has 71.64 % from 92 votes. More jokes about: disgusting, food, redneck
Did you hear about the man who took Viagra and a laxative at the same time? He didn't know if he was coming or going.
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has 71.53 % from 50 votes. More jokes about: disgusting, viagra
What is the sharpest thing in the world? A Fart. It goes through your pants and doesn't even leave a hole.
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has 71.35 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: disgusting
What's green and smells like pork? Kermit's finger.
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has 71.35 % from 41 votes. More jokes about: disgusting