The best disgusting jokes

I was having a shit in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door. He said, "Can I see your ticket please?" "Not right now" I shouted, "I'm having a shit!" He said, "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?" "No problem," I said, sliding it under. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn."
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has 70.39 % from 52 votes. More jokes about: disgusting
A young priest is unhappy with how little money his congregation contributes every week to the collection plate. So decides to try a new tack and hypnotize them, using Father Matthews' priceless pocket watch. Thus hypnotized, they all give the five bucks he asked them too. Pumped by his success, he ups the amount to $10 the next week. Amazingly, everybody gives ten bucks each. The week after that, he decides to up it to twenty bucks, but just as he's about to announce the amount, he drops the watch. "S**t!" It took the workers two weeks to clean up the church.
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has 70.33 % from 68 votes. More jokes about: church, disgusting, money, priest
One day, a man was fishing on a dock across from a hotel in the country, when another man came and sat down. By way of conversation, the man asked the other what he was doing there. "I'm on a honeymoon." "Oh. Shouldn't you be having sex with your wife?" "Well, I would be. But she has a yeast infection." "What about oral sex?" "Gingivitis." "Anal sex?" "Diarrhea." "Pardon my question, but why are you with her?" "Well, I like fishing. And she's got worms."
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has 69.92 % from 67 votes. More jokes about: disgusting, fish, holiday, sex, wife
You would think that taking off a snail's shell would make it move faster, but it actually just makes it more sluggish.
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has 69.86 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: animal, disgusting, travel
Q: Why did the gay man get fired from his job at the sperm bank? A: Drinking on the job.
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has 69.85 % from 223 votes. More jokes about: disgusting, gay, work
It's a really hot day and this penguin is having car trouble, so he takes it into a garage. The penguin asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes." So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream. Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the garage. With ice cream all over his face and his stomach he says, "So, how's my car?" The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, no, no, I was just eating ice cream."
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has 69.49 % from 66 votes. More jokes about: animal, car, disgusting, mechanic, time
Josi frequently attends his church Bingo club, where every week a gag doorprize is given out. One week, Josi is presented with a toilet brush. "What the hell is this?" he asks the pastor. "Why, it's a toilet brush." "Ooh, I see," says Josi. A couple weeks later, the pastor jokingly asks Josi how the brush is working. "Well, it's okay, but I think I'll go back to using paper."
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has 69.31 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: church, disgusting, work
Guy takes his wife to the Doctor... The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS." "What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?" "Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."
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has 69.23 % from 114 votes. More jokes about: car, disgusting, doctor, wife
Q: What's the difference between hockey player and hippie girl? A: Hockey player will take shower after 3 periods.
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has 69.20 % from 88 votes. More jokes about: disgusting, sport
Birdie, birdie in the sky Dropped some white stuff in my eye, I'm a big girl I won't cry, I'm just glad that cows don't fly.
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has 69.20 % from 88 votes. More jokes about: animal, bird, disgusting, poems
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