The best drug jokes

The Bible says I'll pay for my sins. I already do, Escorts, drugs and alcohol don't come free.
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has 68.50 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bible, drug, money
The phone rings at Federal Drug Enforcement Agency headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this the Federal Drug Enforcement Agency?" "Yes. What can we do for you?" "I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding cocaine in his firewood." "Thank you, this will be noted." Next day, the Drug Enforcement agents come over to Tom’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no cocaine, swear at Tom and leave. The phone rings at Tom’s house. "Hey, Tom! Did the Federal Drug Enforcement guys come by?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood for you?" "Yeah, they did." "Okay, now it’s YOUR turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
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has 67.52 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: cop, drug, phone
There was this guy who was sick,so he went to the doctor. The doc ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine. The next day the doctor called and the wife answered. "I'm going to need to run a few more tests", the doctor said. "I'm going to need a semen, urine and a fecal sample". After she hung up the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?" "He needs a pair of your underwear".
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has 67.47 % from 104 votes. More jokes about: disgusting, doctor, drug, husband, wife
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examins him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?" The Doctor says, "You’re not drinking enough water."
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has 66.45 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: doctor, drug, life
A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny opens, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little boy is your mother home?" Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?"
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has 66.10 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: beer, drug, kids
Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
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has 65.57 % from 172 votes. More jokes about: drug, sex
Drug test? What kind of drugs are we testing?
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has 65.16 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: drug
A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some petection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?" The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax." "TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves!"
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has 63.35 % from 73 votes. More jokes about: dating, drug, money, sex, tax
Yo' Mama is so stupid, she reported her stolen crack to the cops.
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has 63.22 % from 31 votes. More jokes about: cop, drug, stupid, Yo mama
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You’re cute!” Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’?” His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
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has 62.50 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: beauty, drug, lawyer, wife