Joke #3654

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

Why did the rabbit have trouble hopping? Because he always kept one foot in his pocket for good luck.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

How would you get four reindeer in a car? Two in the front and two in the back. And how do you get four polar bears in a car? Take the reindeer out first.

What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster? A cock that stays up all night.

Why did the frog cross the street? Because the chicken crossed the road.

Why didn't the teddy bear eat his lunch? (Because he was stuffed!)

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck'

Q: What do you call a black and white thing rolling down a hill A: A maori and a segull fighting over a fishhead.

Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why. The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations. The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever. The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late. Johnny says, "I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late". The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal. The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day. He says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?" Johnny replies, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week."

Q: What did the seal say when found nuts in the sea? A: "Look I found deep nuts."