What animal do you look like when you get into the bath?
A little bear.
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It's a really hot day and this penguin is having car trouble, so he takes it into a garage.
The penguin asks, "How long will it be?"
The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes."
So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street.
When the penguin gets there he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream.
Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the garage.
With ice cream all over his face and his stomach he says, "So, how's my car?"
The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, no, no, I was just eating ice cream."
What do cows usually fly around in?
Helicowpters and Bulloons.
How should you treat a baby goat?
Like a kid.
Q:What did the polar bear say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags?
A:Mmmm, sandwiches!
Did you hear about the pub owner who raised a baby rabbit?
It was an inn-grown hare.
How do jockeys determine which racehorses are the favourites?
They take a gallop poll!
Q: What creature has more lives than a cat?
A: A frog, after all, they croak every night.
If you had a gun and you were being chased by a bull and a mountain lion, which one would you shoot first?
The mountain lion.
You can always shoot the bull.
If we were both squirrels, would you let me bust a nut in your hole?
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight.
He didn't seem disturbed at all.
(Whew! Got away with that one!).
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."