What do tigers wear in bed? Stripey pyjamas.
Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic
Q: Why is the old, worn out horse named Flattery? A: Because it gets you nowhere.
If they made a movie starring the Loch Ness monster and the great white shark from Jaws, what would the movie be called? Loch Jaws.
Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet? A: Winnie the Pooh.
Q: What do you call a pig who knows karate? A: Pork Chop.
Q: What is a snake's favorite subject in school? A: Hissssstory.
I went to the movie theater the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dachshund. It was a sad, funny kind of film. In the sad part, the dachshund cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dachshund laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. "That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dachshund really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."
One day there was a woman who lost her cat named "LOVE." It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him. When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, "I'm looking for LOVE." The policeman arrested her on the spot.
What do you call explosive cow vomit? A cud missle.
How did cows feel when the branding iron was invented? They were very impressed.