What kind of noise annoys an oyster?
A noisy noise annoys an oyster.
(Try saying that fast!)
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What happened to the cold jellyfish?
It set.
Why didn’t the internet get any e-mail?
Because his e-dog kept chasing the e-postman.
Customer: "Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup."
Waiter: "So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?"
A snail starts a slow climb up the trunk of an apple tree.
He is watched by a sparrow who can't help laughing and eventually says "Don't you know there aren't any apples on the tree yet?"
"Yes," said the snail, "but there will be by the time I get up there."
Q: Why does a dog stay in a shadow.
A: Because it doesn't want to be a Hotdog.
A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.
It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it... with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... and then 2 days and then 3 days.
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
What kind of tiles can't you stick on walls?
Reptiles.
Yo momma so fat when she goes camping the bears hide their food.