What kind of noise annoys an oyster? A noisy noise annoys an oyster. (Try saying that fast!)
A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour. When you open the boot, which one is really happy to see you?
Who robs banks and squirts ink? Billy the Squid.
I feel like every nature documentary is directed by a psychopath. "Here's the cutest baby animal ever." "Now let's watch something eat it."
Make the world your playground. Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps. If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do. When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up. Always find a good patch of sun to nap in. Nap often. When in trouble, just purr and look cute. Life is hard, and then you nap. Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours. Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them, and play with them when they're busy. Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there. Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner. Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care".
What does a frog say when it sees something' great? Toadly awesome!
How do you make a cat be a dog? Pour gasoline on it and light it with a match. It will go 'WOOF.'
Roses are red, Violets are blue, faces like yours belong in a zoo. Don't worry I'll be there too, not in the cage, but laughing at you.
It was a hot summer night. Slowly I spread her legs and my hand was trying to find its way to her nipple... I was so excited! I never milked a cow before...
What's a rabbits favorite song? "Hoppy Birthday to You."
Q. What did the snail say when he hitched a ride on the turtle? A. Wheeeee.