What kind of noise annoys an oyster? A noisy noise annoys an oyster. (Try saying that fast!)
Why can’t elephants go on the beach? Because they can’t keep there trunks up.
How come sharks don’t attack lawyers? From professional courtesy.
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
Yo' Mama is so fat, if she buys a fur coat, a whole species will become extinct.
Q: What is a turkey's favorite dessert? A: Peach gobbler.
David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’ll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.” David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what did the chicken do?”
What's the definition of a nervous breakdown? A chameleon on a tartan rug.
What is the difference between turkey and mother-in-law? There is no difference: both are the best when they are cold on the table.
Q: Who was the most famous pirate octopus? A: Captain Squid.