Look over there! Said the frightened skunk to his pal. "There's a human with a gun, and he's getting closer and closer! What are we going to do?" To which the second skink calmly replied, "Let us spray ."
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
A old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed. Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
A policeman caught a mischievous little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other. "Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever you do to that poor, innocent creature I shall personally do to you." "In that case," said the boy, "I'll give it lots of chocolates as well as all my money and let it go."
Whats the difference in a seagull and a babys diaper? A seagull flits across the shore and a baby shits across the floor.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q. What did the frog say to the fly? A. You are really starting to bug me!
A Bosnian catches a goldfish. The goldfish says: "Let me go and I will grant you one wish." The Bosnian says: "No way, I'll take you to the pawn shop – gold is gold."
Did you hear about the man who received a tip on a horse called Cigarette? He didn't have enough money tabaccer!
What's yellow, comes from Peru, and is completely unknown? Waterloo Bear, Paddington Bear's forgotten cousin.
Chuck Norris can make a turtle go faster.