What purrs along the road and leaves holes in the lawn? A Moles Royce.
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
Q:What did the polar bear say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags? A:Mmmm, sandwiches!
A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter said to the cat, "Is there anything I can do to make your stay here better?" The cat said, "I've been sleeping on a cold floor and I'd love a warm pillow to sleep on. St. Peter gave a pillow to the cat, and the cat headed off to bed. Later, some mice came to St. Peter. They wanted roller skates to get around faster so St. Peter gave them their skates and the mice went off. The next evening St. Peter checks in on the cat. "How was your night last night?" The cat said "That pillow you gave me is really nice, but what I like the most about heaven is the Meals on Wheels."
What's black and white, stinks and hangs from a line? A drip dry skunk.
What do cows wear when they are on vacation in Hawaii? Moo moos.
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?" The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite." The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. "Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!" The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"
What does a cow like to do by a campfire? Roast Moosmallows.
How did the farmer find his lost cow? He tractor down.
Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar? A: The lid said, "Twist to open."
I had to go round next door and look after my neighbour’s cat while he was away. Now there’s a great pile of crap and a puddle of wee on his kitchen floor. Hopefully, he’ll think the cat did it.