How do you hire a horse?
Put a brick under each hoof!
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Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp.
The small one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."
"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hm. Well, where do you catch 'em?"
"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here.
Hm.
How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door.
Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem.
See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."
If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program.
The rest of them will write Perl programs.
Some people like to eat frogs' legs.
Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs.
Hence, snakes.
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Why was Teddy Roosevelt mean to horses?
He was a rough rider!
I feel like every nature documentary is directed by a psychopath.
"Here's the cutest baby animal ever."
"Now let's watch something eat it."
Why does the chicken is sad?
Because his dad is a cock.
Why does the chicken is even more sad?
Because he faces the same future.
What do you call a man with a rabbit up his jumper?
Warren.
What should a rabbit use to keep his fur neat?
A harebrush.
What do you call a bear with no teeth, a gummy bear!