The water in Rio is so bad that even Usain Bolt had the "runs" in his last race!
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A boxer had written on his tombstone: "You can stop counting.
I'm not getting up."
Do you know why the Cincinnati Bengals were the last NFL team to get a website?
Because they couldnt put three W's in a row.
A lawyer and a basketball player want to make a deal.
Suggest a place where both of them would be happy to meet.
Of course, they should at the court.
Vote:
Two alpinists on a mountain:
One of them falls in a crack, the other jumps at the hole and screams after the other one:
Are you hurt?
Noooooo! He hears.
How come?
I’m still fallinnnnnnn!
Golfer: "I'd move heaven & earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."
What games do ants play with elephants?
Squash!
Michael was watching the derby game between Manchester United and Liverpool;
Old Trafford was packed and there was only one empty seat – next to Michael.
‘Who does that seat belong to?’ asked the person in the next seat.
‘My wife usually sits there.’ Michael replied.
‘But why isn’t she here?’ the neighbor persisted
‘She died.’ Said Michael in a matter-of-fact tone.
‘So why didn’t you give the ticket to one of your friends?’
‘They’ve all gone to the funeral.’ said Michael.
Q: What's the worst thing about being lonely?
A: Playing Frisbee.
A man went to England on a trip and met a woman there, they grew to like each other enough for her to come to America with the man on his flight home.
When they got back to America the man said, “I would like to show you an American pastime: baseball.”
So the next day the man took her to a baseball game.
The first man came up to the plate and hit the ball to right field and got to first base, the next man bunted the ball and got to first base, and the third man came up to the plate and got walked.
The man said, “Are you understanding this game?”
The woman answered, “Yes, but what I don't understand is why the thrower hurls the ball at the first man and he hits it.
Then he hurls the ball at the second man and he taps it and runs to where the other man was standing.
And then the third man, this is the part I don't understand, the thrower hurls the ball and he just stand there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there, and he hurls the ball at him again and he just stands there then he just walks to the place where the other man was standing.”
Then the man says, “Well that is because he has four balls.”
The woman says, “Poor thing! He couldn't run if he tried.”
A couple of years ago the english national team was about to start training in preparation for an important qualifying match when the manager at the time, Sven-Goran Eriksson, discovered a big turd in one of the penalty areas on the practice pitch.
Ok boys, he said, who's shit on the ground?
Emile Heskey replied:
"Me coach, but I'm good in the air!"