How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Why didn't the husband change the baby for a week? Because the text on the nappies package said "18-40 lbs".
Two gays were at a dance. As they were jigging about the floor with each other. Two massive guys entered the hall 6 foot 6 20 stone and full of muscle One gay asked his mate "Is that the bouncers that have just come in?" "No" grinned the other,"That's the raffle."
What should you give a man who has everything? A. A woman to show him how to work it. B. Penicillin.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What did God say after creating man? I can do better.
A widowed elderly lady was sunbathing on a beach in Fort Myers, FL. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello sir, how are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked. "Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered and again resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, and noticing that his book was about veterinary medicine, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to hers, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life! When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs? A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q:What’s the difference between Ross Perot and Barack Obama? A:Ross Perot is crackpot with big ears and Barack Obama is a pothead with big ears.
What's the biggest difference between men and women ? Men are crabby all month long.