How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.
Three guys are at a restaurant, all with their girlfriends. The first guy, thinking he is all suave, says to his girlfriend, "Could you pass me the honey?...Honey." Now, the second guy, copying the first, says to his girlfriend, "Could you pass me the sugar?...Sugar." So now, the third guy is under pressure. He has to come up with something good. After, a minute of thinking he says to his girlfriend, "Pass me the pork...pig."
What did Barack Obama become after his forty-seventh year? "Forty-eight years old."
Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how... An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor. Forgot to pay his brain bill. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Surfing in Nebraska. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. A few peas short of a casserole. The cheese slid off his cracker. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Prospective husband: Do you have a book called "Man, The Master of Womem"? Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
What's the difference between a man and a messy room? You can straighten up a messy room.
Q. Why do men name their penises? A. Because they don't want ninety per cent of their decisions made by a perfect stranger.
How many men would it take to mop a floor? No one knows; they've never done it.
What is a man's idea of helping with housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
Husband admiring his body in the mirror says to wife "look at that, 14 stones of pure dynamite !" Wife replies "yeah, shame about the 2 inch fuse..."