Joke #2712

The man says, "Will you buy booze?" The bum says, "No." The man says, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum says, "No." So the man says, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Q: What sports team is the least safe around children? A: The Nashville Predators.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?

Q: What do you call a bunch of millionaires sitting around watching the Super Bowl on TV? A: The Dallas Cowboys.

Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear. The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him. The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, "How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

Two guys are out hunting deer... The first guy says, "Did you see that?...pointing to the sky." "No," the second guy says. "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead!" the first guy says. "Oh," says the second guy. A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, the first guy says, "Did you see that?" "See what?" the second guy asks. "Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there!" "Yah, Ok", says the second guy again with a bit of irritation in his voice. A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?" This time pointing behind them. By now, the second guy is getting very aggravated and says, "Yah, I SAW IT!" And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"

Hey babe, let's play football! You can have first down. High five!

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the heck she is.

Chuck Norris once threw out the first pitch at a NASCAR race.