Joke #3002

Michael was watching the derby game between Manchester United and Liverpool; Old Trafford was packed and there was only one empty seat – next to Michael. ‘Who does that seat belong to?’ asked the person in the next seat. ‘My wife usually sits there.’ Michael replied. ‘But why isn’t she here?’ the neighbor persisted ‘She died.’ Said Michael in a matter-of-fact tone. ‘So why didn’t you give the ticket to one of your friends?’ ‘They’ve all gone to the funeral.’ said Michael.

Q: What's the difference between a teabag and england? A: The teabag stays in the cup longer!

At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge to grant custody of little bear. The judge asks the baby bear, "Do you want to live with papa bear?" The baby bear replied, "No he beats me." The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear! The baby bear said, "No she beats me too." The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?" The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"

Why is someone who borrows money but does not pay it all back like a football player? Because sometimes he gives you a quarter back and sometimes a half back.

A boxer goes to a doctor complaining of insomnia. ‘Have you tried counting sheep?’ asks the doctor. ‘It doesn’t work,’ replies the boxer. ‘Every time I get to nine, I stand up.’

Yo Momma's a bowling ball. She is round and heavy, men stick three fingers into her and push her in the gutter. Then she comes rolling back for more.

A college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."

Randy Johnson can throw a fastball 101mph. Chuck Norris can throw Randy Johnson 101mph.

"I felt a lump in my mouth as the ball went in." - Terry Venables.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.