Joke #3911

While giving a physical, a doctor notices that his patient’s shins are covered in dark, savage bruises. ‘Tell me,’ says the doctor. ‘Do you play hockey or soccer?’ ‘No,’ said the man. ‘But my wife and I play bridge.’

A Yankee walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?" "No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?" "I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals." The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"

Chuck Norris has won tennis match against a wall.

Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long, ice fishing. One has been having no luck at all and the other has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally leans over and asks the other what his secrect is. "mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm." "I'm sorry, what did you say?" "mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm." "I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you." The successful man spits something into his hand. "You've got to keep your worms warm."

A lawyer and a basketball player want to make a deal. Suggest a place where both of them would be happy to meet. Of course, they should at the court.

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help." One of the men immediately replies, "No, you see that's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."

Q: What did the basketball say to the player? A: Please don't shoot me.

A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro. When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip." When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's "club". When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing. "She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards." The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem. How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?"

Barcelona beats every team in the world, Chuck Norris can beat Barcelona... by himself.

A father and his son, Bobby, arrive at the local Rugby match and Dad can't find the tickets. Dad: "Nip home and see if I left the tickets there." Bobby: "No probs, Dad." Half an hour later Bobby returns to his dad who is patiently waiting outside the stadium. Bobby: "Yep, they're on the kitchen table where you left them."

A redhead, a blonde and a brunette were stuck on an island and had to get back home from the island. The redhead swims half way and drowns. The brunette swims half way and drowns too. The blonde swims halfway gets tired and swims back.