While giving a physical, a doctor notices that his patient’s shins are covered in dark, savage bruises.
‘Tell me,’ says the doctor.
‘Do you play hockey or soccer?’
‘No,’ said the man. ‘But my wife and I play bridge.’
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I play the worlds most dangerous sport.
I disagree with my wife.
What does NBA stand for Niggas Boucing Around.
Chuck Norris once ran in a movie marathon.... and won.
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Q: What has 2 arms, 3 legs, and 4 feet?
A: The finish line at the Boston Marathon.
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One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late.
His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead.
The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing.
To which the boy replied, "Yes, ma'am, he did.
My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London.
The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus.
The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is living it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's going on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
Q: What's the difference between hockey player and hippie girl?
A: Hockey player will take shower after 3 periods.
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Three men go on a skiing trip, but when they get to the HOTEL they find out that the hotel have mucked up their rooms and they have to share one big bed.
When they wake up the guy on the left says I had a well strange dream last night that I was getting a hand job, and then the guy on the right goes thats strange O had the same dream I was getting a hand job.
Then the guy in the middle goes well thats strange because I had a dream I was skiing!
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Chuck norris went skydiving and his parachute failed to open, so he took it back the next day for a refund
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A guy finally got tickets to the Super Bowl, but his seats were in the nosebleed section -- but he didn't care, he had always dreamed of going to the Super Bowl.
So he wants to find a seat closer to where he can see better.
He finds this seat toward the front and he asks the guy next to it whether anyone is sitting there.
The guy replies, "No, because my wife just died."
"Well," says the first man, "why didn't you just bring a friend or relative?"
The guy replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."