What is a man's definition of safe sex? A padded headboard.
Two young men who had just graduated from university climbed into a taxi wearing their graduation gowns. "Are you graduates from the city university?" asked the cab driver. "Yes, sir," they announced proudly. "Class of "99." The cabbie extended his hand. "Class of "67."
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Men are like buses. They have spare tires and smell funny.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Why is a man different from a PC? You only have to tell the PC once.
Three guys are at a restaurant, all with their girlfriends. The first guy, thinking he is all suave, says to his girlfriend, "Could you pass me the honey?...Honey." Now, the second guy, copying the first, says to his girlfriend, "Could you pass me the sugar?...Sugar." So now, the third guy is under pressure. He has to come up with something good. After, a minute of thinking he says to his girlfriend, "Pass me the pork...pig."
Question: Why do men die before their wives? Answer: Because they want to.
Q: Why is it jewish men won't go down on a woman? A: Too close to the gas chamber.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my wife's bra off, I decided to give up, I wish I'd never put it on now.
How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.