"I like to watch the World Series. Here's what I do.
I sit down and drink a few beers in my underwear and scream at the TV.
That's until they throw me out of Applebees."
Dave Letterman
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Why do golfers wear two pairs of trousers?
In case they get a hole in one!
What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common?
You don't look down.
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Q: How does David Beckham change a light bulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him.
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her fitness trainer.
Me: "Okay, this isn't working out."
Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race.
Apparently he's been using performance enhancing rugs...
Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Para-olympics?
A: Having two legs.
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One day, the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.
Smiling the Lord proclaimed,
"You don't have a chance; I have Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here".
"Yes", snickered the devil, "but I have all the umpires."
Golfer: "My wife says if I don't stop playing golf she's going to leave me!"
Caddy: "I'm sure you will miss her terribly, sir!"
There once was a man who decided to go scuba diving one day.
So he went to the deepest part of the beach, got on his gear, and went underwater.
He decides to go down 20 feet, and there he sees another guy with no equipment on.
The man thought this was strange but we forgot about it and went down another 20 feet.
There, he sees the same guy down there with no gear on.
But the man decided to forget about it and go down another 20 feet.
When he does, he sees the same guy 60 feet underwater with no gear on.
Finally the man writes a note asking this guy how he can go so deep underwater without any gear.
The guy writes back, ''Because I'm drowning, asshole!''