Two women are talking. ‘You know,’ says one. ‘Eighty per cent of men think the best way to end an argument is to make love.’ ‘Well,’ says the other. ‘That will certainly revolutionise the game of hockey!’
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of trousers? In case they get a hole in one!
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft. In today’s civilized society, it is called golf.
What's a mexicans' favorite sport? Cross country.
An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be. The Japanese team won by a mile. Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action. Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it. The next year the Japanese team won by two miles. The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there." He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there." He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there." He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?" "No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have any teams competing in the Olympics? A: Because all of the Mexicans that can run, swim, and jump have left the country.
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched with horror as her ball headed directly towards a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of them and he immediately fell to the ground clutching his hands together in his groin, and rolled around in obvious agony. The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize "Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'll allow me" she told him." "Oh no I'll be all right, I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man replied, still lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. Following her persistence however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them at his sides, she loosened his trousers and put her hand inside. She administered tender and skillful massage for several long moments and then asked "How does that feel?" He replied "It feels fabulous, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
The All Blacks were playing England, and after the half-time whistle blew they found themselves ahead 50-0, Jonah Lomu getting eight tries. The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Jonah to go out on his own. "No worries," Jonah told them, "I'll join you later and tell you what happened." After the game Jonah headed for the pub where he told his teammates the final score: 95-3. "What!!!!" said a furious Josh Kronfeld, "How did you let them get three points??!" Jonah replied apologetically, "I was sent off with 20 minutes to go."
Mrs. Williams: Ok kids let's play soccer SMACK! Anna:OW! Mrs. Williams: What happened Anna? Anna: Andy punched me! Mrs. Williams : Why did you punch Anna,Andy? Andy: You said let's play sock her, so I did.