What's the difference between an intelligent man and a UFO?
I don't know, I've never seen either one.
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How are men like diplomas?
You spend lots of time getting one, but once you
have it, you don't know what to do with it.
Six nuns are washing themselves all together when the doorbell rings.
One nun goes to the door and says 'who is it?'
An elderly gentleman replies "It's the blind man from the village" so the nun shouts to the others, "don't worry it's just the blind man from the village, I'll let him in."
She lets him in and goes "how can we help?"
The gent replies "I'm just going to go measure your blinds, but nice tits"
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
Two gays were at a dance.
As they were jigging about the floor with each other.
Two massive guys entered the hall 6 foot 6 20 stone and full of muscle One gay asked his mate "Is that the bouncers that have just come in?"
"No" grinned the other,"That's the raffle."
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.
Brrr! My hands are cold.
Can I warm them in your heaving breasts?
Did you hear about the man who got a vasectomy at Sears?
Now every time he gets excited, the garage door goes up.
Three men were at a bar discussing coincidences.
The first man said, "My wife was reading A Tale of Two Cities and she gave birth to twins."
"That’s funny," the second man remarked, "My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and she gave birth to triplets."
The third man shouted, "Oh my, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!"
Something Special For His Birthday
It was Jim's birthday, and he was considered to be an "old man" by his friends standards.
So, to liven him up a bit, Jim's friends decided to give him something special for his birthday.
They bought him a hooker.
The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door.
When Jim answered, she said "Hi I'm your birthday present!"
Startled, he asked "What am I supposed to do with you?"
"I'm yours for super sex," she answers.
So Jim replied "Well, I'm 75 years old so I'll have the soup."