What's the biggest difference between men and women ? Men are crabby all month long.
One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt. He said to her, "If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle." The wife was angry but said nothing. The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, "If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." The wife grabbed her husband's penis and replied, "and if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother!"
Q: How do you piss off a man? A: Stand on his back and piss.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my wife's bra off, I decided to give up, I wish I'd never put it on now.
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box. She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”
How is a man like a microwave oven? Just another thing that heats up instantly and goes off in twenty seconds.
How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention.
What is a man's definition of safe sex? A padded headboard.