''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he ot it. He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. “OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. “Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked. “YES, YES, YES!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy. “Good!” said the first bat, “Because I fucking didn’t!”
Q: What's worse than ants in your pants? A: Uncle.
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a jar of peanut butter? A: A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
One day a blonde, brunette, and redhead were stuck on an island 100 miles away from civilization. The only way to get home was to swim. The brunette swam 50 miles before drowning. The redhead swam 64 miles before getting attacked by a shark. The blonde went 99 miles but got tried a swam back to the island.
Thousands of years ago cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
Q: How do you know Noah was a White man? A: No nigger could stay on a boat for 40 days without eating the chickens!
Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? A: To get chocolate milk.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
How is a rabbit like a plum? They re both purple, except for the rabbit.
Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.