Man cannot live on bread alone – he needs a bit of crumpet too.
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A man and woman were celebrating their 50 year anniversary.
That night, the woman comes out of the bathroom completely naked and looks at her husband who is already in bed.
She says, "Honey, 50 years ago tonight, when I came out of the bathroom with no clothes on, what were you thinking?"
He said, "I was thinking that I wanted to suck your titties dry and fuck you until you couldn’t think straight."
She smiled at him and said, "So what are you thinking now?"
He said, "I think I did a pretty good job!"
I had a visitor one night… he explored my body… licked, sucked, swallowed & had his fill… when satisfied he left… I was hurt… Damn mosquito!!!
Q: What did dick say to rubber?
A: "Cover me I'm going in."
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How do you make a woman scream twice in the bedroom?
Fuck her in the ass then wipe your dick on the curtains.
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A businessman was flying on a plane surrounded by hundreds of kids.
A lady went and sat down next to him.
She asked, "Are these all your kids?"
The man replied, "No, I just work at a condom factory, these are all the complaints".
I haven’t been the same since my testicles dropped.
Mind you, I was hanging from a tree by them at the time.
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized."
A newly-wed couple didn’t know the difference between putty and Vaseline.
A week after the marriage all their windows fell out.
Which was the least of their worries.
Two friends who had not seen each other for awhile met at a bar.
"Hey, your wife just had a birthday recently, didn't she? Did you get her anything special?"
"Yeah, I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo."
"A pair of slippers and a dildo?"
"Yeah, I said 'If you don't like the slippers, you can go fuck yourself.' "