Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
All the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the USA.
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A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing.
He starts sawing a hole in the ice, when a loud booming voice says, "You will find no fish there."
The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on.
The voice booms again, "You will find no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks up and says, "God, is that you?"
The voice says, "No, I'm the manager of this ice rink."
An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River.
Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.
On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.
The Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged.
Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found.
A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.
Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.
The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.
After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing."
To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer.
"We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.
The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.
The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
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Q: What do you get when you combine a Starbucks and Yoga class?
A: I don't know, but there's probably a hipster close by.
Your mama so fat, that she can use herself as a bowling ball and get 10 strikes in all of the lanes!
Joe loved golf, but his eyesight had gotten so bad, that he couldn't find his ball once he'd hit it.
He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Joe bring along her uncle Ted.
Joe said, "But Ted is 80 years old and half senile!"
His wife replied, "Yes, but his eyesight is incredible."
Joe finally agreed and took Ted along.
He teed off and could feel that he had hit it solidly.
He asked Ted, "Do you see it?"
Ted nodded his head and said, "Boy, that was a beautiful shot!"
Joe excitedly asked, "Well, where did it land?!"
Ted said, "Hmmm. I forget."
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Colorado Avalanche fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Avalanche fans too.
Not really knowing what an Avalanche fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.
There is, however, one exception.
A little girl has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an Avalanche fan," she retorts.
"Then," asks her teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Detroit Red Wings Fan," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
She asks the little girl why she is a Wings fan.
"Well, my Dad and Mom are Wings fans, so I'm a Wings fan too," she responds.
The teacher is now angry. "That’s no reason," she says loudly.
"What if your Mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot.
What would you be then?"
"Oh," says the little girl.
"Well, then I'd be an Avalanche fan."
Q: Why did the bodybuilder cross the road?
A: He didn't. There's no walking on leg day.
Kobe Bryant wears the number 24 to remind himself about how many seconds he has to hog the ball.
Four men were stranded in a desert.
Suddenly, 1 of them died.
The other 3 decided that the only way to survive was to eat the dead body.
The 1st man said, "I support Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver."
The 2nd man said, "I support Manchester, so I'll eat his chest."
The 3rd man said, "I support Arsenal... but I'm not very hungry!"