Why don’t you see lawyers on the beach?
Cats keep covering them with sand.
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Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that!
What's the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is...**I have a headache** and the other story is **It's that time of the month!** "
Why was the cannibal fined by the judge?
He was caught poaching.
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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.
"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.
Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling.
"MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!" he exclaimed.
"Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.
"Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?" the lawyer asked.
"HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.
The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!"
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question.
“Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.”
“Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!