Why don’t you see lawyers on the beach?
Cats keep covering them with sand.
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Lawsuit commercials for personal injury are quite common with things like accidents and medication; however they never mention Chuck Norris.
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Q: How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall?
A: It depends how hard you throw them.
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that!
What's the big deal about a two-story house?"
The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is...**I have a headache** and the other story is **It's that time of the month!** "
Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious looking bear.
The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.
The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"
"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Question: How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie?
Answer: His lips begin to move.
If a lawyer and a tax official were both drowning and you could only save one of them, what would you do; go to lunch or read the paper?
Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?
"Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"
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Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.