Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and a drunk are in a bar when they spot a hundred pounds on the floor. Who gets it? The drunk – the other three are mythological creatures.
If a lawyer and a tax official were both drowning and you could only save one of them, what would you do; go to lunch or read the paper?
One day, a priest was walking through a forest, when he came upon a pond. On the pond was a lily-pad, and on the lily-pad was the saddest frog the priest had ever seen! "Dear frog" the priest asked, "what is the matter? Why re you so sad?" "Well," said the frog, "I was not always a frog." "Tell me more" said the priest. "One day, I was waslking through these woods when I came upon a wicked witch. 'Stand aside witch' I said to her. But alas, she called me a nasty cheeky boy and turned me into a frog." "But that's terrible! Isn't there anything that can be done to reverse the spell?" asked the priest. "Well" said the frog, "if a kind person were to take me home for the night, feed me and put me to sleep on their pillow, I am sure I would wake up human again." "Well, this is your lucky day!" said the priest. So he took the frog home, fed him and put him to sleep on his pillow. And lo and behold, when he woke up the next morning, there was a 10 year old choir boy in his bead! "And that Your Honour, is the case for the Defence!"
Man to lawyer: ‘If I give you £500, will you answer two questions?’ Lawyer: ‘Absolutely. What’s the other question?’
What’s the difference between a dead lawyer in the road and a dead skunk in the road? There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!" The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before a crime, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after a crime, we call him a defence lawyer.
What do you call 5,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
Why don’t lawyers enjoy fishing? Because it’s too much like work, what with all the lying involved.
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung? A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
A lawyer, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to crash, yet they only had 2 parachutes. The lawyer proclaimed that since he was the smartest man on the plane, that he deserved to survive. He took a chute and jumped. The priest looks and the young boy, and reflecting back on his life, told the young boy to take the last parachute since he had already lived a wonderful and full life. The boy replied, "You can have the other chute because the smartest man on this plane just jumped out with my bookbag!"