My cat can talk.
I asked her what two minus two was and she said nothing.
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Chuck Norris was once bitten by a venomous cobra ....
After 5 days of excrutiating pain the cobra
Eventually died
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What are the most athletic rodents?
Track and field mice.
Why did the gray whale go on a diet?
Because he wasn't a Fin whale.
Two guys meet:
"Where were you lost my friend? says one of them."
"Well, I took my kids to the zoo..."
"And what kind of animals did you see there?"
"The tiger... Huge and Scary! Full of stripes... Slowly walking inside the cage. She was “ahgrrr...”
"Are you kidding me men? The tiger doesn’t go “ahgrrr..” … She “grrrrsss..”!
"Right, ok.. But when you get too close to her face... !"
What is a bear's favourite drink?
Koka-Koala.
Exasperated dragon on the field of battle: "Mother said there would be knights like this."
What do you call a big white bear with a hole in his middle?
A polo bear.
What do cows do for entertainment?
They go to the mooooovies.
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car.
Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something… but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah, but we’re getting farther from the truck," the other added.
A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion.
The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it’s no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.
The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”