My cat can talk.
I asked her what two minus two was and she said nothing.
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The male worm towards the female worm:
Baby, if you don’t take me as you’re husband, I’m throwing myself to the chickens!
What do cows like to do at amoosement parks?
Ride on the roller cowster.
Mama bear to Papa bear: "Well... You might call it hibernating — I call it goofing off ."
Yo' Mama is like a donkey: everybody rides the ass.
What's the favourite flavour of sharks?
Shark-o-late.
What's a teddy bears favourite pasta?
Tagliateddy.
A mans dog dies one day, and the man is very upset.
His dog did everything for him.
Washed the dishes.
Bought things from the shop.
The man was so upset, he decided to go and buy a new pet.
Once at the pet store, he asked the manager, "Do you have any pets that will do anything for me? My dog has just passed away and I want something to replace him."
The manager looks around.
"We don't have much, I'm afraid. Just this centipede here"
The man looks puzzled, but accepts the centipede anyway.
Back home, the man tests the centipede out.
"Go and bring me a beer from the fridge", he asks.
The centipede got to work straight away.
"Go and run a bath for me.“
The centipede did as asked once again.
The man, before getting in the bath, asks the centipede "Pop to the shop and buy me a newspaper please.“
The centipede does this.
An hour later, the man comes out of the bath, to find the centipede sitting at the bottom of the stairs, and hadn't yet gone to the shop.
"I thought I told you to go to the shop?"
The centipede replies "GIMMIE A CHANCE TO GET MI SHOES ON!"
A Democrat walks into a doctor's office with a frog sitting on his head.
The frog looks at the doctor and says, "Hey doc, can you get this wart off my ass?
Did you hear about the man who received a tip on a horse called Cigarette?
He didn't have enough money tabaccer!