Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing.
Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you.
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How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.
One day, the wife asked her husband, "Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like Mr. Plumber?"
A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor.
"Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like Mr. Goodwrench?"
A couple weeks later, the wife found a leak in the roof. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?"
"What do I look like Bob Vila?"
He sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.
One rainy weekend, the husband realized the leak on the roof was gone.
He went to the bathroom and found that the pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.
When his wife returned home, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks and the car's running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything.
"Wow, did he charge us anything?"
"No, he said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him."
"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?"
"Cake? What the hell do I look like Betty Crocker?"
Wife to husband: ‘When I married you you said you had an ocean-going yacht!’
Husband: ‘Shut up and row.’
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Wife complains husband,
"When I'm crossing the dark forest when I'm comming back home
I'm scared that someone will rape me."
"Don't worry" answers husband, "you wouldn't be so lucky..."
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
Marrying a man for his good looks is like buying a house for its paint.
I came downstairs this morning and my wife asked me what I wanted for breakfast.
So I said, ‘Eggs, bacon, fried bread and mushrooms.’
At least that’s what I meant to say.
What I actually said was, ‘You’ve ruined my life, you fat ugly witch.’