One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle.
He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it.
A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.
The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to visit Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a minute and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway, how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "Well, there is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand my girlfriend. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she temperamental, why is she so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes her tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
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There is the chief of Indians, and he is going down a field with his tribe, and they come across a pile of sh*t.So the chief asks his tribe men :
"Does this look like sh*t to you?"
"Yes is does", they replied.
"Smell it. Does it smell like sh*t to you", asks the Chief.
"Mmmmm..Yes"
"Feel it. Does it feel like sh*t to you?", says the Chief.
"Mmmmm..Yes"
"Lick it. Does it taste like sh*t to you?", inquires the Chief.
"Ammmm...Yes"
"Good. Don't step on it!"
Men and women were created equal but women continued to improve.
Q: Why was the blonde girl's belly button bruised?
A: Because blonde men are dumb too.
Q: Why are there only snow men and not snow women?
A: Because only men are dumb enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
Thanksgiving is the day men start getting in shape... to play Santa Claus.
Q: Why do liberals travel in threes?
A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.
God said to Adam, "I’ve got some good news and some bad news.
First the good news.
I have given you a brain and a p***s.
The bad news… I’ve only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time!"
I had to divorce my husband for religious reasons,
I'm a catholic and living with him is hell.
A man left for work one Friday afternoon.
Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.