I dropped my laptop into the ocean the other day.
Now I have a Dell rolling in the deep. 
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The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI...
Q: How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.
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An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer." Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down.
'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank.
And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them.
And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office.
Did I do something wrong?"
Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.
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A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road.
The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week".
The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week".
The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!"
The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"
"I'm a programmer," he replies.
"I don't have time for sex.But a talking frog is pretty neat."
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Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
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1998: Don't get in the car with strangers.
2008: Don't meet people from the internet.
2018: Order yourself a stranger to get in the car with from the internet. (Uber)
Two packets walk into a bar.
One of the packets asks the bartender for a drink, and gets no response
The other packet tries and the bartender shrugs him off.
One packet leans to the other and says, "The quality of service here is terrible!"
Baby, if you were an iPhone 6, I would tap you all day!