How many dead babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil?
It depends on how hard you squeeze them.
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What does Michael Jackson call a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll?
Bait!
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Three guys begin work at a toothbrush company as salesmen.
Each day, two of the guys sell twenty toothbrushes each, and the third guy consistently sells two hundred.
The other two guys are jealous, but they can't figure out his secret.
Then, one day, they run into him at the mall, where he's set up a tobacco dip sample table.
"This is your secret?" says the first guy.
"Try some dip," says the third.
They both take a little bit o' dip.
"Ech!" says the second guy.
"This tastes like s**t!"
"It is s**t. Would you like to buy a toothbrush?"
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A farmer and a son live on a farm.
The farmer is sitting in the kitchen when his son comes in from the barn with a large glass of white liquid.
He is so excited because he's just milked a cow.
Then he takes a big drink from the glass.
His father just stares at him.
"Son, we don't have a cow. We have a bull."
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What's green and sits in the corner?
That same baby three weeks later.
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I got home to see my two months pregnant wife crouched in the bathroom crying.
Her red, smudged eyes looked at me as she told me she'd lost the baby.
I told the silly thing not to be so upset, I could clearly see it in the toilet.
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I was having a shit in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door.
He said, "Can I see your ticket please?"
"Not right now" I shouted, "I'm having a shit!"
He said, "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"
"No problem," I said, sliding it under. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn."
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Q: What did the maxi pad say to the fart?
A: You are the wind beneath my wings.
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Why do women always fart only when they go to the bathroom?
They have to blow dry—and there's nothing to shake.
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What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.
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If you have a grief nobody feels,
If you have a pain nobody feels.
If your heart is broken nobody feels,
but if you fart all will understand.
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