Joke #5290

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night." The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning." The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try. When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face. As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet. Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!" "Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."

One day Kermit the Frog was looking sad. Fozzie Bear went up to him and asked what was wrong. Kermit said, "I'm having problems with Miss Piggy." "Like what?" asked Fozzie. "Well, Piggy wants me to eat her out and I can't." Fozzie asked, "So, what's wrong with that? You're not a prude or anything." "No," sighed Kermit, "but I am a Jew."

Once there was this man whose car broke down. He realized after looking for help for 10 minutes that there was a small farmhouse with an old lady sitting on the porch. He told her his unfortunate story and she gladly let him in. But first she told him, ''I have three rules that you musn't break or I'll see to it that you meet justice! But since talking hurts my throat so much, I won't tell you my rules.'' She let him sleep in the laundry room. He found himself a comfortable pile of old wool sweaters. After puffing his "pillow" he realized that a pair of pants were hanging down from a clothes line over top of his new bed. Seeing that it was no big deal he pulled them down. Instantly the old lady darted into the room and said, ''YOU BROKE MY FIRST RULE!'' He was sent outside to sleep in the donkey's stable. Right beside him was a tiny donkey kicking him so much that he slapped it. In a flash grandma was there: ''You broke the second rule. Watch out.'' He was sent onto the porch to sleep. All of a sudden a big, ugly cat came along and started rubbing all over him. Being allergic to cat hair, he shaved it bald. Here came the grandma. ''You broke the third rule,'' she starts, ''I'm calling the cops.'' The cops came and requested a description of what happened. The old lady said, ''That man is a damned rapist. He pulled down my pants, slapped my ass and shaved my pussy!''

I've some bread dough in my pants. Wanna see if it rises?

Can I dock my rocket at your space station?

Q: What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic? A: Snap-on tools!

Are you a candle? Because I want to blow you.

Q: Why don't witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks? A: Better traction.

Q: What do you call a blonde doing a handstand? A: A brunette with bad breath.

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

3 europeans come to America. They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them. But the europeans beg to have their lives spared. The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native american says "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the native americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The native american tells him the same thing. He laughs and the native american kills him. They both see eachother in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so thats why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yea I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"