A burglar breaks into a house and is quietly and expertly collecting valuables in his bag when he hears a voice: "Jesus is watching you."
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What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What is a man's idea of helping with housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
Why do women make better soldiers?
Because they can bleed for a week and not die.
A man goes into a florist and says, "I want to buy some flowers for my girlfriend".
"Certainly sir", she responds, "and what in particular are you after"?
After some thought, the man answers, "a shag".
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind.
After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed.
So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber.
The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."
So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband.
On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.
The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed.
The two make passionate love and afterwards the women rolls out.
As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.
The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy idiot."
I’ve know John a long time and am considered a bit of a father figure to him.
I have watched him crawl around on his knees, drink from a bottle and I’ve cleaned up after him but enough about the Bachelor Party.
Girl: "Girls are better than boys."
Boy: "Then why did God make boys first?"
Girl: "Duh, you have to have a rough draft before the final copy."
Ones the bus was full of people.
A man looks at a lovely girl, she looks at him, he smiled, she did so, he told her get off at the next station, she did, he took her place.