A burglar breaks into a house and is quietly and expertly collecting valuables in his bag when he hears a voice: "Jesus is watching you."
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After an accident...
1st Driver : I flashed the headlights and told you to let me go first.
2nd Driver : I also started the wipers and said NO NO...
Something Special For His Birthday
It was Jim's birthday, and he was considered to be an "old man" by his friends standards.
So, to liven him up a bit, Jim's friends decided to give him something special for his birthday.
They bought him a hooker.
The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door.
When Jim answered, she said "Hi I'm your birthday present!"
Startled, he asked "What am I supposed to do with you?"
"I'm yours for super sex," she answers.
So Jim replied "Well, I'm 75 years old so I'll have the soup."
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."
The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church.
One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.
Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.
The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings.
So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.
The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?"
This time, Charlie replied, "I can’t hear you."
The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can’t hear you."
Finally, the priest yelled, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?"
Again, the reply was, "I can’t hear you."
The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."
So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"
To which the priest replied, "By golly, you’re right, you can’t hear in here!"
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
Vote:
A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving west and the CB crackles to life.
“Hey Roadway driver, who are the two biggest fags in America?” comes from the CB.
The Roadway driver replies, “I don’t know.”
The other trucker says ” You and your brother.”
Well the Roadway driver gets annoyed but the other driver tells him “It’s just a joke – tell it to the next truck you see.”
Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour and finally sees another truck.
He gets on the CB and says “Hey other truck, do you know who the two biggest fags in the world are?”
The other trucker says, “I don’t know, who?”
The roadway driver replies “Me and my brother.”
Confucius say, man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
Two men walked into a restaurant, the first one asks for tea.
The second also asks for tea.
"And make sure the glass is clean," he tells the waiter.
When the waiter returns with the two glasses of tea he asks, "Which one of you asked for the clean glass?"