A burglar breaks into a house and is quietly and expertly collecting valuables in his bag when he hears a voice: "Jesus is watching you."
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How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
"I can't wait for Father's Day" said no man ever.
Vote:
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!".
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Why is it dangerous to tell the husband to go and change the son?
Two hours later he comes back with a baby girl.
He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in
the worst way.
She: Well, you succeeded.
Girl: "Girls are better than boys."
Boy: "Then why did God make boys first?"
Girl: "Duh, you have to have a rough draft before the final copy."
A man had a party where all the rich people attend.
And the he had a pool with alligators.
So he announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes.
But no one wanted to go for the challenge.
All of a sudden, there was a big splash and a man was swimming like a hell and came out alive.
So the host asked, "What are your three wishes?"
The man replied, "Give me the shotgun and bulllets and show me the idiot that pushed me in..."
How many men would it take to mop a floor?
No one knows; they've never done it.
A couple was having an argument, and the man was losing badly.
After 5 minutes the woman won the argument proving the man to be stupid, the man sadly says
"If my proof falls then I rome through the halls."
Then the woman leaves for 10 minutes and comes back starts giving him a blowjob.
The man is confused and says "what are you doing?"
She said "If I prove you dumb I give ya some."
The man continues to lose a argument knowing he will get a blowjob after 10 minutes, and he did.
Years later they have a kid but none of them want him so they have an argument of who takes care of it and the other leaves for good.
The man without a thought loses the argument the get another blowjob, but after the argument the woman starts rapping
"Yo yo guess who's the kid, not me so suck yourself bitch."
Before she leaves the he says "what about the blowjob?"
She says ask my twin sister that has herpes cause she did it the whole time.