Two hunters are out in the wood when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator:"My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies:"Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead. There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter seys,"Ok, now what?"
What happened when the cannibal bit off a missionary's ear? He had his first taste of Christianity!
Did you hear that Princess Di was on the radio a couple of weeks ago? Yep, and on the dashboard, and on the window, and on the hood....
Q: What did one female terrorist say to the other? A: "Does my bomb look big in this?"
Hitler: I asked for a glass of juice, not gas the Jews!
What is the difference between a fridge and a kid? A fridge doesn't shout when you put your meat inside it.
Dr. Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it he just couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming. But every once in a while he would hear in internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. Just let It go Dave." But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering: "Dave... Daaaave... you're a veterinarian you sick bastard!"
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died. "You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
What does a skeleton say when he wants to eat? Bone appetit!
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend today. I had to drop the bomb two or three times before she finally got it.