Joke #5069

Two hunters are out in the wood when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator:"My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies:"Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead. There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter seys,"Ok, now what?"

What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common? Their last big hit was The Wall.

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a Styrofoam cup? A dead baby doesn't harm the atmosphere when you burn it.

I just ended a long-term relationship today. I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a table? You can't fuck a table.

Q: Why are ghosts bad liars? A: Because you can see right through them!

"Did you hear about the undertaker who buried someone in the wrong place?" "He was sacked for making a grave mistake."

Bill Gates goes to purgatory. St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go". First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds. Bill chooses Hell. About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons. Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?" St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."

A guy asks his waiter at a restaurant how they prepare their chicken. The waiter goes blank for a second, then says, "Nothing special really... We just tell them they're going to die..."

Why did Hitler go to the eye doctor? Because he can Nazi.