Joke #5069

Two hunters are out in the wood when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator:"My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies:"Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead. There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter seys,"Ok, now what?"

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.

"I'm going to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage. But it is just a formality." "Who told you that?" "Gynecologist."

What is the difference between a fridge and a kid? A fridge doesn't shout when you put your meat inside it.

Why did Osama Bin Laden kill his wife? When she spread her legs he saw bush.

How do you get a baby to run faster? Chase it with the lawn mower.

So it's the weekend, and I'm on my back patio when I get this idea to call up my coroner friend Bob. "Bob's not here," his wife says, "he's at work." "Sheesh!" I think. "Poor guy doing autopsies on a Sunday." So I call him on his cell. "What gives, bro,?" I ask. "Homicide," he says. "The higher-ups need a report ASAP. I'll be starting in just a few minutes." I Josh Bob a little. "I'll be thinking of you, buddy. Right now, I'm basting barbecue sauce on a rack of baby-backs and I'm getting ready to open a frosty beer." "Not much different here," he says. "I'm about ready to crack open a cold one myself."

Knock, knock Who's there? I'm Mr, Farter. Mr, Farter who? I've brought some insecticides to give to your mother in law!

What's black and red, wears high top Reeboks and cant go through a revolving door? A nigger with a spear through his head.

"Excuse me, how do I get to the hospital quickly?" "Just stand in the middle of the road for a while."

I was walking down the street to a video store last night to rent a porno movie when I saw a woman being raped. Saved myself a fiver.