Joke #5069

Two hunters are out in the wood when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator:"My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies:"Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead. There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter seys,"Ok, now what?"

How did the cannibal turn over a new leaf? He became a vegetarian.

One particular Christmas season a long time ago Santa was ready for his Christmas run... but there were problems. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the bottle and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?" Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Woman delivers baby. Doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging "WHY!?" Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says "I'm just fucking with you, it was born dead".

Black Jokes are not funny I have a black guy in my family way up in my family tree. He's been hanging there for quite a while.

Q: What's the nickname for someone who put their right hand in the mouth of a T-Rex? A: Lefty.

My previous girlfriend had this weird sleeping disorder - in the middle of every night she would wake up and suck my dick. No wonder her dad did not want her to move out.

"Excuse me, how do I get to the hospital quickly?" "Just stand in the middle of the road for a while."

Who may open the door without using hands, nor legs? An invalid.

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.

"Did you hear about the undertaker who buried someone in the wrong place?" "He was sacked for making a grave mistake."