Two muffins are sitting in an oven and one says to the other: "Man, it's hot in here!"
The other one says: "Ah! A talking muffin!"
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Q: What is the worst thing an emergency doctor can tell you after admitting your MIL?
A: Sir, we were able to save her!
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Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
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My wife found a porn magazine in our son's room the other day.
She showed it to me, and it was BDSM.
She asked me "What we should do?"
Me: "Probably not spank him."
She belted me with the magazine.
Now I know where he gets it from.
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What is Jehovah's wiseness favorite band?
The Doors.
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Opportunity!
That is impossible. Opportunity doesn't come knocking twice!
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Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor.
The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit.
Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor.
This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, "There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit."
After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor’s son wearing trousers made of the same cloth.
Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?"
"It’s very simple," replied the tailor, "The other tailor has two sons."
Did you hear about that music composer who commited suicide?
He didn't even leave a note.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
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I wonder what happened to that dumb blonde I went out with.
I dyed my hair!