Joke #7081

What's grosser than gross? A bloody mary with curly, brittle hairs in it!

One day, a guy walks out from a shop to see someone PISSING on his Ferrari. "Hey," says the man. "Why are you pissing on my Ferrari?" "Because I feel like it." "Tell you what -- I won't report you to the police if you can keep up with my Ferrari." "Whatever." So the guy gets in his car and drives off, going faster and faster, until he's hit 100 miles per hour. Amazingly, the guy is still keeping up. "I'm amazed," says the driver. "How are you keeping up?" "It's easy," says the running man, "when your d**k is stuck in the door."

Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I'm eating here."

Q: How do you know that a dead body found by the side of the road is a nurse? A: Because its stomach is empty, its bladder is full, and its ass chewed!

Two men and a woman were the sole survivors of a pleasure cruise ship that sank in the Bermuda Triangle. They made it to an uninhabited island. Two weeks later the woman jumped off a cliff because she was so ashamed of what she was doing. Two weeks after that the two men buried her because they were so ashamed of what they were doing. Two more weeks passed by and the men dug her up again–being so ashamed of what they were doing.

So that there be less strife May your dreams be sweet And your ass does not tweet tonight.

There was an old married couple who love each other very much. But each morning as he was waking up the husband let out a huge nasty wet fart with his wife right in the bed next to him. The wife always says "One day you're going to fart your guts out if you don't stop." Then one day the wife snapped she won't take it anymore and she got up extra early when downstairs and got the guts out of a turkey and put it in the bed behind. She went back downstairs to wait and then she heard the loud disgusting fart all the way down the stairs and then she hears nothing for a long while. Just as she's about to go upstairs and check on her husband he comes stomping down the steps and he says "Honey you were right after I get my guts out but with the grace of God and these two fingers I managed to shove them back up there again."

Q: How do you know a gay guy has farted? A: He needs to change his pants afterward.

Q: What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef? A: Anyone can roast beef.

How do you unload a truck of zombie babies? With a pitchfork.

Q: How many hipsters does it take to flush a toilet? A: You can't touch that toilet, it's art.