Why do babies have a soft spot in their heads? So you can pick them up five at a time
I have a green nose, three red mouths, and four purple ears. What am I? Ugly!
What do you call a trash bag full of mutilated laboratory monkeys? Rhesus Pieces.
One roomate said to another, “Man, this morning I woke up with white crud around my mouth!” The other roomate said, “Oh, that's my fault, I guess I missed!”
Q: What's red, sits in front of a mirror, and gets smaller and smaller? A: A vain idiot combing his hair with a potato peeler.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the water? Bob. On the wall? Art. On the floor? Matt.
A man farts in bed next to his wife. His wife asks, "What in the world was that?" He replies, "Touchdown. I'm winning, seven nothing." She decides to get even, so she lets one loose. He yells at her, "What was that?" She replies, "Touchdown, tie score." He wants to get her back, but he tries so hard he sh*ts in bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Halftime, switch sides."
How did the live baby escape from a room filled with with zombie babies? He ate his way out.
Silence is golden. Unless you have an infant. Then its probably blue.
Two men work in a mortuary. One says to another, "You should see that woman they brought in today. She'd been in the water for a week. Her clit was like a pickle." "Ew!" says the other fellow. "It was green?" "No, it was sour!"
What is grosser than gross? When you're kissing Grandma and she slips you the tongue.